Stag Do to-do

This week, I’ll be mostly organising a stag do. Now, I know what you’re thinking; “You, Rob? A stag do? Well they go hand in hand, what with you being a lad’s lad an all?” Well, no actually, it’s not as simple as that. I know my usual bloke-ish charm seems well-suited to a day of paint ball-ing, binge drinking and lap dancing, but actually; deep down, I’m quite a sensitive soul. I’m not used to the sight of breasts in public, and if truth be told, I’m allergic to emulsion. It’s made even worse by the fact that the lucky man himself, is further from the perceived image of a ‘stag’ than me. And that’s saying a lot considering I use a napkin to eat crisps. I fear if we were to do anything too ‘staggy’ it might give him an aneurism. The last thing I want is to finish off the night in A&E because the groom had one too many Babychams and then fainted at the sight of a thong. The problem is; if you’re not interested in all of that, how do you organise a stag do? At the moment it’s shaping up like a weekend away with a prayer group.

The stag’s original brief was ‘just a meal with some friends’, which sounds nice, intimate and modest. However, considering the group of people will be coming from all four corners of the country, it seems like a bit of a waste to make them travel all that way to split the price of a stuffed crust. I knew it had to be something more, but, as I’ve already stated, my idea of a fun day out is going to Waterstones and browsing the hardbacks, maybe using one of the sofas provided, if I’m feeling wild. So I endeavoured to find a suitable plan of action – the best place to start is always the internet (unless you’re addicted to online gambling).

The first site I found was something like It presented me with a with a choice of packages – like a travel agent for the emotionally repressed – all with their own idea of what a stag do could be. Each was made up of different elements, which were essentially; BMX-ing, Lap Dance, Night Club or Go-Carting, Lap Dance, Night Club or Base Jumping, Lap Dance, Night Club – as you can see, a pattern is forming. Nightclubs aren’t really my scene. If I wanted the ‘night club experience’ I’d stand in the middle of a busy train carriage, during an earthquake, while listening to Radio One. It’s not for me. Or the stag for that matter. Another option was ‘Dinner and a Dance’ which, on the face of it, sounds lovely – a bit of goulash and a waltz or pasta and a foxtrot, but no. This delightful option was having a home-cooked meal while a naked woman danced on the table. Now the only home-cooked meals I’ve ever eaten have been at my mums and she’s in no fit state to be dancing after cooking a roast. It’s not even that I don’t like naked women, far from it, but do you really need to see them when you’re tucking into your beef stroganoff?

The only possible exception to the list of stag options is wine tasting. That sounds grown up/respectable/fully clothed so it’s definitely a possibility. The only snag is; the groom is as capable of handling his drink as a hook-handed, fundamentalist on a long haul flight to America (yes, topical!). I give up. It’s too much hard work. We’ll just stick with the stuffed crust. They do balloons there, right?

From 26th September, 2012


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